We are Frankie & Barb. We're on a journey from Somerville. We made it to California, then our Discover card ran out. The future is unwritten...
ADULT-CON 3: BEYOND THE BEAVER SHOT AKA THE SOFTER SIDE OF PORN
Frankie O’Toole shows us the “softer side” of AdultCon: Winged Dancers, Lasik Eye Surgery, and kids who work with the blind. It’s all true, and it’s all real classy. See, AdultCon isn’t just for weirdos and degenerates, it’s for super nice people too.
I continued my “sexual odyssey” at Adult-Con by meeting Sybil Hawthorne, a big time BDSM type porn star. She was very down to earth, even though she’s into things like being set on fire. Anyhow, she was nice enough to let me film her getting flogged by “the Sexual Mr. Miyagi” aka Black Morpheus. This was real classy and sensitive even though there was some choking and whatnot. Next, I got to meet a whole bunch of transsexual porn stars, and they were some of the friendliest peoples at the whole convention. We made a spiritual connection regarding thai food, even though I thought it might be a conspiracy because they all recommended the same exact restaurant—Amazing Thai in North Hollywood. Finally, I got to interview a lady in a box, and this might have been the most shocking event of the whole weekend. She told me she makes good money being put in a cage, and I figure she meant like $8 or $9 an hour. No! She makes $200 an hour!!! I suppose it’s just further proof that the United States is the greatest country on earth. And in that moment I really felt proud to be an American.
Barb thought I was being a perv, but I wanted to show my audience the magic of AdultCon, one of the big time porn conventions. I met a lot of interesting type peoples, and learned about new sexual devices and even saw Ron Jeremy talking about his own brand of rum (probably tastes real nice). This is the first episode of a whole bunch from AdultCon because there was just so much happening there, and even though they kicked me out, I still had an incredible and very classy time.
Frankie & Barb are back at Comic-Con and again overwhelmed by the “sexuality, different peoples with different armors and whatnot,” and especially that lady from Rachael Ray.
Barb and I jump into the fire of Comic-Con and immediately realize that there is a super hot sexual underbelly type thing going on. It’s hard to describe, but before I knew it Barb was getting bit friendly with Mr. Chainmail, and later on some elf guy. We wound up having to film this whole episode ourselves because I technically bounced a check on our cameraman, but I have an explanation for that. I told him the check would be “good pretty soon, man.” But couldn’t be a civilized human being with a heart, and he left Frankie & Barb like we hadn’t even built a spiritual connection with the guy. Anyhow, enjoy the madness of Comic-Con!
Peoples, remember when Los Angeles was entered into a nightmare tornado of traffic? No? Well, it turned out to mostly be a hype machine, but Frankie & Barb were there for it all live, broadcasting from Ted’s Hair Design, YogurtLand, and the parking lot of a McDonald’s/Coffee Bean. This is the footage they didn’t want you to see. Who are they? Probably the people who invented the Carmageddon propaganda system in the first place!
All of Los Angeles was losing their minds over this Carmaggedon highway shut down. Barb and I decided to be human storm chasers, and drove right into the eye of the storm—the actual highway! Nobody said it could be done, I don’t even know if it was legal or un-legal, but we went for it! As it turns out, there wasn’t actually any violence or chaos, and in fact there really was less traffic than usual. But trust me the stakes were high as could be! Like Def-Con 1! Wait, is Def-Con 1 the worst or the best? I don’t know, but watch the episode!
Carmageddon is about to explode as Barb and I enter the Whole Foods parking lot on a mission to document West Hollywood’s preparations for the madness. Unfortunately, after our high energy intro, nobody wants to talk to us. Perhaps they were intimidated by our intensity. Either way we found some spiritual type meanings in one lady’s shopping cart, and then the Whole Foods police arrived.
While we were filming the Whitey Bulger press conference, we ran into big time Mafia guy Johnny Fratto. Somehow he wound up luring Barb over to his Mercedes, and things got real weird. I went on a kind of mind journey thinking of how much she meant to me, which was ironic because she was basically doing it with him while I was thinking that. Anyhow, I eventually found them and it’s pretty clear that something was rotten in Denmark, and by Denmark I mean Johnny Fratto’s Mercedes.
Barb and I rush into the eye of the storm that is the Whitey Bulger press conference. It was pretty awesome standing next to fellow newsmen like that bald guy from Channel 5 (not familiar with his name). I only wish Ed Harding or Frances Rivera was there. Anyhow, after asking about Jack Nicholson’s insulting accent in THE DEPARTED, we spot a big time real life mafia guy, Johnny Fratto (HOWARD STERN superhero guest). Next thing I know, well I don’t want to spoil it, but he basically winds up banging Barb in his Mercedes. It was a nice car though.